Cooking with Jack #28: “Lazy Man’s Pizza and Garlic Bread”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally Uploaded: 12 July 2009

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Jack’s relationship with anything outside of his small bubble of experience is, at best, tenuous. It’s just like him to completely miss the point of an email (“I’m famous! Look at me!”) whilst at the same time straining displaying his knowledge, or lack thereof. The audience is expected to know the difference between generic supermarket loaves masquerading as unique cultural breads. Cooking show for the average Joe, indeed.

So, after picking a convenient strawman in national pizza chains to topple over, Jack offers up his substitution. And what a unworthy substitute for fresh-made pizza it is. Now, I’d never say no to a nice English muffin pizza (or baguette pizza, or a nice pizza-stuffed jaffle), but I also wouldn’t be happy if I was offered a pizza and got a wet English muffin soaked with sauce and a puddle of limp, greasy cheese. More importantly, was this a recipe anyone needed to be taught?

After the nauseating close-up of Jack’s face (which, for the love of god Jack, chewing and swallowing noises are vile), we get the fucking sauce ad lovingly copy and pasted from the end of the videos. A mighty contempt for the audience in this one.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in America, but that tub of butter is comically large. I don’t have the second stomach for butter I did when I was young, but I can’t imagine I’d find this appropriate even then. I definitely think there needs to be more garlic, though, and strong, fresh garlic at that, but I suppose not eating sawdust is just a personal preference. But again… is this a “lazy man’s” recipe? Is it not just… garlic bread?

I’ll get to the miracle blades, don’t worry.

Cooking with Jack #14: “Thanksgiving & Easter – How to Cook a Turkey”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 29 Oct 2008

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Hoo boy, where do I even start? Let’s start with some restrained, tacit approval because a roast is, indeed, a hurdle many getting into cooking need to clear. Roasts are often prepared to mark special occasions, too, which no doubt adds to the pressure of having to cook one not just well, but spectacularly. With that said, if this is how Jack roasted turkey all his life no wonder he likes his chicken raw just to have it a little bit, as he puts it, “juicy”. With all the cross contamination going on in this video alone it’s surprising it didn’t make him violently ill. You, dear reader, are capable of doing an internet search to see the leaps and bounds we’ve come in roasting poultry and other meats recently, so I won’t repeat it for you. It’s hard to believe but this is, by a long margin, *not* Jack’s worst turkey roast, a field of stiff competition. Those gobs of butter he shoves up the poor bird’s skin though… Believe me, I don’t think holiday meals should skimp on the butter by any means, but why go overboard and make sickeningly greasy turkey that’s still overcooked? I’m also not sure if the half-assed manner in which the temperature to weight guide is thrown up is laziness, contempt for his audience or a healthy mix of both.

And do people ritually eat turkey on Easter and I’m not aware of it, or did Jack just pick a random holiday and run with it? My experience around Americans has always led me to believe that Easter isn’t one of their preferred holidays (too pagan perhaps), which would explain it. Still, it strikes me as unusual. 

Cooking with Jack #12: “How to Make Spaghetti Sauce”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 03 October 2008

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Hey, the title is capitalised except for the preposition! That soothes my academia-ravaged brain immensely.

It’s unique and interesting to watch Jack do a recipe he’s clearly comfortable and intimately familiar with. A white whale, if you will. And remember what I said about alcohol in the last episode? I completely forgot about this comically large jug of “burgundy”. I’m positive that a producer from California’s sizeable wine industry decided to co-opt the term as a marketing ploy. Cheap red is cheap red is cheap red, really. Jack would flirt with putting the ingredients in the video with very little consistency. I mean, he steals his recipes wholesale from others anyway, how hard is it to copy and paste text? 

Honestly most of the complaints I have about this feel like nit-picks (Why is the pot so small and the spoon so big?!) on an otherwise deeply mediocre Jack video. Sure, this isn’t how I would make or serve pasta sauce. But at least it’s reasonably competent, as well as delivered with a minimum of smarmy self-aggrandising. Jack was, at the very least, capable of subtlety at this stage and even actually tried.

Cooking with Jack #10: “TheBestSauces.com video 2”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 11 September 2008

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Jeez, is it just me or is there more grey in his beard and his face is more haggard since the last one? Anyway, we have the crucifix necklace back in this one. Maybe it will stick around this time! I don’t know why I was feeling so generous in the last one, but perhaps the mugging has really started to grate one me as this one just felt plain condescending. I suppose there’s a fine line between endearing earnest and false, and this was deep into the latter. It is by no means a thing that Jack alone is guilty of: after all everything he does is mimicked from other sources. But, the trend of attempting to disguise capitalist enterprise through attempting to fabricate a personal relationship with the consumer is something I struggle to contain my vitriol for. Which isn’t to say businesses shouldn’t advertise, shouldn’t promote their products and services, or even that the trend started recently. Just that the idea of personally connecting with a #brand is getting comically out of hand. This doesn’t have much to do with Jack I suppose other than that in this, as in many things, he unconsciously reflects wider trends in the culture at large. The sauce continues to remain unappetising.

Cooking with Jack #4: “TATER MITTS TEST”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 6 May 2008

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Either some videos have been deleted here or it took the originals a while to blow up, because it took Jack a full 15 months to release another video after the original three. The latter makes sense with Jack deciding that a core component of how he presented himself to the world would be based on being lazy, I suppose, and according to the video information we go from “Season 1 Episode 3” to “Season 2 Episode 4”. I’ll touch on it more below but the common trait of internet personalities to mimic the jargon of broadcast television they’ve absorbed is another classic Jack hallmark. Except in his case it’s for the delusions of a racist, domestic violence committing manchild and not a 14 year old with a pirated copy of Flash calling themselves “Sephiroth Vegeta Studios”.

Anyway, there are several milestones in this video, as it’s the original product review that is also mercifully brief. Immediately we have Jack acting undeservedly outraged over a shitty, cheap infomercial product that an early hominid could tell you wouldn’t work (you’re meant to boil the potatoes first, apparently, which is stupid anyway). Also Jack appears to have decided sickly lime green was essential to his brand as it will be our background right up until the move to Tennessee. Given Jack’s tepid showbiz aspirations it’s possible he painted his kitchen this colour with the intention of using it for green screen effects but it seems more likely that he’s just completely devoid of taste.

Boy, what a difference a year and a quarter makes, as Jack is looking way worse than he did in the last video. This is also the first appearance of the ungainly crucifix around his neck which will be a near-constant presence from now on. I doubt Jack got more devout in between the last videos and this one but it does speak to his love of physical symbols. For Jack, things like the crucifix necklace and his gaudy drug lord wedding ring aren’t an outward symbol of something cherished and personal, the symbol is important in and of itself separate from the values it’s meant to represent. This also seems to predate the sauces’ merchandise and the updated website logo is still fading in. I guess as his viewership began to fade after the initial spark was when he started pushing the sauces harder and harder. We also finally have an end slate devoted to “GiveMe Entertainment” and the unabashedly Godbothering “3R1 Productions”, which, given a lack of evidence to the contrary is his brother’s nascent “production company”. God, needing to brand yourself as a fucking production company, let alone two, to upload a shitty video to youtube really does scream from the rooftops about the collective Scalfani ego. At least the 14 year olds on Newgrounds who credit themselves as “Sephiroth Vegeta Studios” simply don’t know any better.