Cooking with Jack #775: “Which Taki’s Is The Best? – FOOD REVIEW”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 17 April 2016

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Jack has been doing a lot of these very youtube-esque “food reviews” recently, and I would attribute it to three main factors: One, they’re very easy to do. Two, they’re typically rather current, and Jack is woeful at chasing trends. Three, they’re growing popular in the youtube landscape, a subset of “review-as-entertainment” where a colourful personality and the ability to eat empty calories vicariously count for much. But another major factor is almost certainly his crumbling relationship with his grumpy teenage son. Yes teenagers can be moody and attempt to distance themselves from their parents, but the fact that Jack Junior willingly engages in physical affection with his mother and not his father is very telling in this regard. Given this it’s not surprising Jack uses food as a lure and his “show” as an excuse to hang out with his son, especially after years of not allowing him on the show, using appearances as a carrot with which to encourage good behaviour.

My own intense hatred of Jack doesn’t appear to have a patch on Jack Junior, and I assume it’s because I’m not blood related to him and don’t have to spend any time around him. I can’t say I blame him. He soils the good name of the Beastie Boys, a band I assume he’s never actually listened to given his Milquetoast predilections. Perhaps he heard “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (to Party!)” once and took it at face value? That’s the only explanation I can think of. Much like Deadpool or his Italian heritage he attaches himself to things he thinks other people will find cool.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, rest in peace MCA.

Cooking with Jack #774: “What’s Behind The Mystery Door? – FOOD GARDENING”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 16 April 2016

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So we finally get an answer to the “”””mystery“”””, and all my jokes about some kind of torture evidence dungeon aside the reveal that it’s some kind of beaten up fibreglass tub flooded with red light allayed absolutely zero concerns I had. Jack puts out what I’m assuming was meant to be a drum roll, but sounded more like the Jaws theme, which also didn’t help. At this point his incompetence is immeasurable. I’m not convinced the mathematics checks out, the cost of rearing chicks to adulthood surely outweighs the cost of buying them grown, but then again I don’t live on a farm. I do live in the Australian suburbs, however, where people attempt to have their own chickens with alarming regularity, so I’m potentially more experienced than one might think.

Jack has very little to do with this video, so it’s hard to criticise. I do think it’s a good thing for people to understand where their food comes from, the entire farming, husbandry and eventual slaughter and butchering (I do understand that these chickens are meant for eggs not meat, but they’ll get too old to lay some day). This is something Jack fundamentally disagrees with or at least doesn’t particularly care about so I’m not entirely sure what his raison d’etre is. He continues to use the all caps “FOOD GARDENING” which shockingly has become more and more of a misnomer as the series has continues. Never would’ve guessed that! I do hope Mr Brewer is keeping well and also keeping his family well away from Jack. I do doubt that he knows anything about the danger of having Jack around so I can only hope for the best.

Cooking With Jack #773: “Lazy Man’s Pasta Dinner”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 15 April 2016

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Jack, forever waddling far behind the curve, finally bring us the most recent unappetising internet phenomenon. Ripped wholesale from Martha Stewart, as is his wont-most all of his recipes are stolen from somewhere, which does remind me of something. Normally I focus on his child abuse and racism, but his content isn’t even original. Jack’s made an entire… well, not “career” certainly. Racket? Jack’s made an entire racket out of stealing other people’s content with no attribution, and getting mad when people call him out on it. The list of Jack’s incompetencies and undesirable traits grows far too long to list every single time, but I think his blatant content stealing deserves more of my time.

Jack describes this recipe as “rustic” which according to Martha Stewart’s advertising copy (that he hasn’t read, clearly) it might be. Jack positions himself as an authority on these things, when perhaps he should acknowledge that he was doing something popular. Despite his much-vaunted Italian heritage he’s never shown much of an interest or aptitude for Italian cuisine. Oh he knows the absolute basics, red sauce, pasta et cetera, but beyond that he’s as white bread and divorced from his heritage as is possible. And he still doesn’t even really “get” cooking, he buys not one but three packages of basil for the measly handful of leaves that end up going into the dish.

This is another sponsored episode, and I’ll get in touch with Audible in due course. As of now no company has responded to my inquiries into why they continue to sponsor Jack, which is a shame. I guess people want their products associated with domestic violence and racism. Once Jack ends up on the news for committing a violent hate crime I’m sure companies like PBR, Nomiku, Zelite and Slap Ya Mama will finally attempt to distance themselves from him.

Cooking with Jack #772: “How To Cook Eggs In Pressure Cooker”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally Uploaded: 12 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

We’re a long way from Jack refusing to buy free range eggs because they cost 20 cents more. Some might argue that Jack has grown as a person, become more educated about the world and food than he was in 2009. To that I say: Jack is incapable of learning, and only parrots what he has read or been told. There’s no real reason for him to get what are, prima facie, rather nice eggs other than the fact that they cost on dollar. He can’t even formulate a reason, he just tosses around buzzwords (no chemicals?!) because he knows based on experience that it’s the right thing to say. It’s rudimentary Pavlovian response and attempting to prop himself up as an expert in food and cooking. We never see Jack get excited about ingredients, unless of course it’s putting too much cheese or sugar onto a dish. He’s even said, repeatedly, that he doesn’t care about using fresh ingredients. His idea of using “premium” ingredients is meat that’s been in his freezer for over a year and tinned corn. I ask you, kind reader, does he genuinely care about the quality of his food and the well-being of the animals it comes from? Or is it all a ruse designed to make himself look good?

During my childhood I thought of the pressure cooker as relic of the 1970s, gone the same way as the fondue set and the key party: My not childhood saw the rise of modernist cuisine and the reintroduction of the pressure cooker as a marvel of speed and consistency.  I appreciate that a pressure cooker is probably a good way to do this, and the way Jack does it… seems to be okay? They look a little overcooked for how I like my hard boiled eggs, but honestly I can’t find fault. We’ve come to expect so little of Jack that basic competency is a high water mark and so I’ll grant him that, at least. He even explains a little of why using a pressure cooker is preferable. All things considered I suppose I can grant this video a stamp of “tolerable”.

I leave you with this: Jack’s bloated, beluga whale-like appearance and tendency towards mugging often produces hilarious images, and this one from an accidental pause during the video was too good to not share.

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Cooking with Jack #771: “Day 27 Home Garden Kits – Food Gardening”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 09 April 2016

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Christ Almighty, that ending… I’ve always considered Jack a dangerous individual, given his domestic violence tendencies and right-wing extremist threats of violence, but this ending just gave me chills. He even has to specify that it’s still living, a shocking nightmare of a phrase that brings to mind any number of horror films or novels. I’m positive that the answer is just kittens or something, I don’t think Jack actually kidnapped and tortured someone and is showing it off on his youtube channel. But, as I often talk about the vast gulf between Jack’s ideals and his actual ability, it’s a wonderful demonstration. I’m positive he meant for a fun little tease just at the tail end of his video to introduce the next one, but he is wholly and utterly incapable of actually being able to craft that through the language of film. I mean, he can’t even keep consistency with his video titles so that a viewer who was actually interested would be able to follow along with ease. Combined with his known and worrying history of violence, creates in the audience a tension, a fear of what might be behind the door. It would be genius if it wasn’t so contrary to Jack’s intentions.

Robert Brewer seems a nice sort, which makes his association with Jack all the more lurid and bizarre. I’m glad he’s getting compensated at least somewhat for his time by selling gardening kits but it doesn’t change how exploitative Jack comes across in this video. The horse is just one more thing Jack can milk out of his poor friend, a resource in his endless quest to spend most of his time sitting on his unemployed ass on a computer.On the other hand Mr Brewer provides the audience with actual information and instructions, and is a much better fit for this than the eternally cranky and self-centred Jack.

Cooking with Jack #770: “Sous Vide Cooking – NOMIKU”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 08 April 2016

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When I originally predicted that Jack would make a complete hash of sous vide cooking, I honestly didn’t mean it. After all, sous vide is possibly the easiest and most consistent cooking technique available to the home cook. Even Jack can’t possibly fuck it up, can he? Oh, kind reader, how naive I was.

Granted, the Nomiku seems to have a number of UX issues it needs to work out. But, I also think they’re certainly not as terrible as Jack is making out. Certainly the idea of an “internet of things” is exhausting and terrible, but to lose one’s temper immediately, well… Jack bends over backwards to praise the Nomiku despite his constant vociferous complaining, presumably because they’ve sent him one for free and he would rather not bite the hand that feeds. Of course Jack can and has eaten garbage given the opportunity so his praise is basically worthless. He always speaks in vague terms, never specifics.

Which leads into my next point, something I’ve harped on before: Jack doesn’t provide anything of genuine substance for his audience. He refuses to do even a moment’s preparation before filming, leading to upsets and tantrums, and fails to go into any detail about what he’s doing and why. Let’s pretend he’s not ten years behind the curve on sous vide: why should we, the audience, care about it? Jack seems befuddled (not even going to the trouble of removing the air completely) but is keen to show off his shiny new toy he was given. Why must you lie to your audience, Jack? Why must you promise things you refuse to deliver? One iota of work would make all the difference in the world to your videos yet time and time again you refuse.

Jack on the Go #401: “Franklin’s Wine and Tea Bar – Gallatin, TN”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 06 April 2016

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It’s clear from many episodes of Jack on the Go (including this one certainly) that Jack and Tammy have a troubled marriage. The clearly visible strain between the two, especially in public, is often remarked upon by the casual viewers of Jack on the Go, which in turn causes Jack (insecure runt that he is) to vigorously defend his crumbling marriage like a child emphatically denying that they eat worms to their bullies. It causes him to post things like this, which Jack recently put up on his twitter feed:

tammy.jpg

This is not a particularly flattering photo of Tammy, to be sure, and it’s definitely a smirk or forced smile rather than a relaxed, natural smile one might flip a camera in a comfortable social setting. But really, who can blame Tammy given what she has to put up with? In this episode as in many others Jack goes out of his way to ruin a perfectly good outing with his self-absorbed antics. What could’ve been a pleasant and adult afternoon out with friends is ruined almost immediately by Jack’s whinging and a petty squabble, before he insists on filming and getting reactions on everything. Tammy has been putting up with this bullshit for nearly 6 years of Jack on the Go, and god knows how many years before that. When she’s short or grumpy or upset I always understand immediately where she’s coming from: putting up with her self-absorbed, unemployed husband day in and day out must be incredibly tiresome.

“Tiresome” definitely describes Jack’s antics in this one. He’s immediately attracted by something that combines two of an item he doesn’t care about or indulge in: Bourbon Tea. Jack doesn’t drink bourbon (a fact we were reminded of as recently as the latest episode of Jack on the Go) and he’s never drunk brewed tea, only the sickly-sweet American “Sweet tea” concoction from places like McDonalds. Looking at how much milk and sugar (JACK YOU ARE A DIABETIC) he drinks his tea and coffee with, it’s clear exactly why he likes it the bourbon tea: Giant amounts of artificial flavours, milk and sugar are exactly what he’s used to expecting out of brewed drinks. And just in case you thought he might have some knowledge of contemporary cafe culture, he has no idea what a demitasse is.

As usual, Jack’s guests don’t seem particularly keen on being filmed. Not that it matters to Jack. The food in the place looks… confused. I’m really not sure what to make of most of it, except that every dish apparently comes with a liberal helping of the kind of sawdust tasting already grated cheese that comes in a bag. No wonder Jack loved it.

Just watching these senseless exercises in debauchery and sadness are soul-sucking. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with it every single day. Tammy: Jack Junior is old enough now, and clearly hates his dad. You can divorce Jack. It’s okay.

Cooking with Jack #769: “SLAP YA MAMA!”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 05 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

Do you think Slap Ya Mama seasoning chose Jack Scalfani as a product representative because of his extensive history of domestic abuse? By “Slap Ya Mama” do they mean literally beating his family and elder abuse? That’s the only reason I can think that anyone would support Jack: They support and condone his history of domestic violence, racism and innumerable other contemptible traits. How else can you explain people giving him money to promote their products?

By even if you do agree with Jack’s terrible behaviour and politics, how can they trust this man to sell their products when he’s said on multiple occasions how he hates beans and rice? What about his complete lack of familiarity with Cajun cuisine, not even knowing what Gumbo is? Do you trust him to call your product “Restaurant quality” when he complains vociferously if a restaurant actually uses pre-made food? Do you trust this man with so little integrity and contempt for his audience, who lies and makes things up and changes his mind on a whim? A man who can’t muster any praise for your product other than “Oh it’s really good”? Who is so unfamiliar with your style of cuisine that it takes him three tries just to make fried fish? Is this really the bumbling incompetent you want people to associate with your products?

There’s a common idiom along the lines of there being no such thing as bad press.As long as people are discussing what you’re trying to promote, the actual content doesn’t matter. This is only reason I can gather that Slap Ya Mama would want Jack Scalfani associated with them, that anyone, anyone at all no matter how dangerous or deranged promoting their product is a good thing. That’s the only reason I can fathom anyone wanting Jack Scalfani as a brand ambassador.

Cooking with Jack #27: “Quick & Dirty Dips”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 03 July 2009

Comments: Enabled

Jack, you are a diabetic.

It’s clear from his aggressively ageing, haggard husk of a body that he doesn’t at all manage his diabetes, if it weren’t already from his horrid diet. I understand that diabetics aren’t defined solely by their condition, but I don’t think a nod in the direction of giving a shit about his own health is too much to ask for.

The “combine two ready-made products” shtick is a classic piece of 60s/70s cookery dictated solely by industrialised food production. If we take Product A and Product B, we can make something that supposedly is ready for the dinner table with a minimum of effort and a maximum of purchasing products. There’s a fascinating (if rather depressing) sociological and economic background to this, and the influence of this mid-century rise in pre-made food doesn’t just linger, it survives and even thrives today. Just think of all the (typically) American recipes that call for a tin of cream of mushroom soup, for example, even in the year 2016.

Honestly, the idea that people need to be told to dump two things together just exhausts me. And I suppose this is true of most of Jack’s recipes but if you’re going to put so little effort into something, why bother at all? Even going out of your way to find something nice to buy is more thoughtful than this. It’s just that close to 7 years later, Jack’s thought process still boggles me. He actively loathes cooking yet still muddles along.

Cooking with Jack #26: “Lazy Man’s Marinade”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 21 June 2009

Comments: Enabled

A lovely non-recipe by Jack’s caustic, pseudo-intellectual brother. The man who completely loathes reading but somehow wants to be an author. Charming family.

Anyway, I think Jack doesn’t particularly understand the point of a marinade, or a brine as this clearly is. Is the point really just to season the meat? In that case, why not rub it, fry it up and make a little pan sauce? I always considered the best use of a marinade a marinade to be tenderise and develop a meat, with endless possibilities for seasoning. 

Sorry. I try hard not to correct Jack with what I, personally, would do. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, is going to the trouble of constructing your own marinade really easier than pouring goop into a bag? So, kind reader, is this an actual recipe, or a cheap way to hawk his crappy wares? I’ll leave that up to you.