Jack on the Go #403: “Angriest Whopper – BURGER KING”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 15 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

Here we have a small Winton-esque vignette of the Scalfani family out and engaged in their primary source of meals. Recently we discussed both Jack Junior’s long-simmered resentment of his father, as well as Jack’s attempt to chase a somewhat current youtube trend. Jack Junior is in a much better mood here, presumably because his mother is around, despite his typical teenage moodiness. Can you really blame poor Jack Junior, though? He’s had so much of his life filmed and put up on the internet involuntarily, and he’s at an age where he is particularly self-conscious about how the world perceives him. Now all he wants is a fucking burger and for his trouble he has a camera shoved in his face.

I don’t particularly care for fast food (I’m not particularly against it either), so it’s clear this video isn’t particularly for me. With that said at least there’s the a recognisable audience for this, which is more than I can say for a lot of Jack’s work. It’s conceivable that someone might be interested in a new fast food product, clear publicity stunt that it is. But, and this is the important thing, it’s not even his idea. I’ve mentioned over and over again that Jack is merely copying what others have done, what’s seen to be popular. He can only copy, never create.

Jack on the Go #402: “Taproom 12 Ave. South – Nashville, TN”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 13 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

I rather enjoy reading the work of restaurant critics such as Pete Wells or Jay Rayner. I don’t live in New York or London and I rarely have a chance to travel out there, but their work is so enjoyable and on the pulse of food trends that they’re often as evocative and educational as they are entertaining. As much as they can give the reader a very well developed sense of the geography as they traverse their local and national food scenes, you also understand that no matter what their subject matter they would be an entertaining read (Mr Rayner is in fact a published author). Beyond that, there’s also the undeniable sense of living vicariously through their writing. You and I will never in our lifetime have the funds, not even to mention the sheer time necessary to devote to restaurants. As much as I can complain and find fault with the “review as entertainment” in 2016, being able to eat words off a page can be an undeniable pleasure.

I bring this up solely because, as per usual, I have no idea what I’m meant to get out of watching Jack eat. He loves to call these little escapades of his “reviews” but he never says anything substantial about any of the restaurants. Most of the video is Jack and his friends in mid shots talking, saying it’s awesome or less commonly recently, saying that they don’t like it. Jon takes a seemingly resentful pot-shot at a group of women having a hen’s do. In the autumn(?) of Jack’s life being posted to youtube, does he mean that we live vicariously through him? My interpretation is that he feels everything that he does is inherently interesting to his audience and that yes, one watching his pathetic life on youtube is meant to enjoy it as Jack does.

The problem here is that there’s very little joy in Jack’s life. His ability to present food, any food at all, to the viewer in a way that’s appetising is limited to loud permutations of “Mmmm” and “Wow” and “Amazing”, and what’s more he’s not discerning. He can certainly be angry or throw a tantrum, but his complete lack of knowledge combined with the clear fact that he doesn’t now, nor has he ever, eaten particularly well doesn’t paint a picture of joie de vivre. It paints a picture of a downtrodden man for whom things like excessive cheese or house-made pickles, or simply the concept or fresh, tasty food is an unfathomable magic trick.

Cooking with Jack #776: “Lemon Curd Chicken With Roasted Carrots”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 19 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

I make a rule of not correcting Jack’s technique or his recipes because if I did I would this little side project of mine could easily top tens of thousands of words. However it also makes videos like this hard to criticise, where Jack just cooks something.

…is what I would say if I didn’t keep finding out new and terrible things about Jack. It’s somewhat overwhelming, to be perfectly honest, to continually find out new and more horrid things Jack hasn’t done in his past (like beat his family) but continues to do.

Lemon curd seems to be much like Nutella and the flat white: Extant for a long time outside of the United States, suddenly discovered. Ah, but even so only then ingenuity of the Americans could apply it to chicken. I like citrus with chicken a lot, and I’m even a fan of sweeter flavours in meat dishes, but I’m not sure what the sweetness of lemon curd adds to the dish.

In true Jack fashion he steals not one but two recipes for this dish, one for lemon curd and one for lemon curd chicken.  And of course, below these stolen recipes is a link to Jack’s (ugly, ad-riddled, mostly content free) website where he takes credit for them!

image.jpg

See what I mean? This rabbit hole never ends. For every terrible thing I uncover about Jack there’s ten more I need to consider. It’s something I never expected when I started this.

 

Cooking with Jack #775: “Which Taki’s Is The Best? – FOOD REVIEW”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 17 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

Jack has been doing a lot of these very youtube-esque “food reviews” recently, and I would attribute it to three main factors: One, they’re very easy to do. Two, they’re typically rather current, and Jack is woeful at chasing trends. Three, they’re growing popular in the youtube landscape, a subset of “review-as-entertainment” where a colourful personality and the ability to eat empty calories vicariously count for much. But another major factor is almost certainly his crumbling relationship with his grumpy teenage son. Yes teenagers can be moody and attempt to distance themselves from their parents, but the fact that Jack Junior willingly engages in physical affection with his mother and not his father is very telling in this regard. Given this it’s not surprising Jack uses food as a lure and his “show” as an excuse to hang out with his son, especially after years of not allowing him on the show, using appearances as a carrot with which to encourage good behaviour.

My own intense hatred of Jack doesn’t appear to have a patch on Jack Junior, and I assume it’s because I’m not blood related to him and don’t have to spend any time around him. I can’t say I blame him. He soils the good name of the Beastie Boys, a band I assume he’s never actually listened to given his Milquetoast predilections. Perhaps he heard “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (to Party!)” once and took it at face value? That’s the only explanation I can think of. Much like Deadpool or his Italian heritage he attaches himself to things he thinks other people will find cool.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, rest in peace MCA.

Cooking with Jack #774: “What’s Behind The Mystery Door? – FOOD GARDENING”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 16 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

So we finally get an answer to the “”””mystery“”””, and all my jokes about some kind of torture evidence dungeon aside the reveal that it’s some kind of beaten up fibreglass tub flooded with red light allayed absolutely zero concerns I had. Jack puts out what I’m assuming was meant to be a drum roll, but sounded more like the Jaws theme, which also didn’t help. At this point his incompetence is immeasurable. I’m not convinced the mathematics checks out, the cost of rearing chicks to adulthood surely outweighs the cost of buying them grown, but then again I don’t live on a farm. I do live in the Australian suburbs, however, where people attempt to have their own chickens with alarming regularity, so I’m potentially more experienced than one might think.

Jack has very little to do with this video, so it’s hard to criticise. I do think it’s a good thing for people to understand where their food comes from, the entire farming, husbandry and eventual slaughter and butchering (I do understand that these chickens are meant for eggs not meat, but they’ll get too old to lay some day). This is something Jack fundamentally disagrees with or at least doesn’t particularly care about so I’m not entirely sure what his raison d’etre is. He continues to use the all caps “FOOD GARDENING” which shockingly has become more and more of a misnomer as the series has continues. Never would’ve guessed that! I do hope Mr Brewer is keeping well and also keeping his family well away from Jack. I do doubt that he knows anything about the danger of having Jack around so I can only hope for the best.

Cooking With Jack #773: “Lazy Man’s Pasta Dinner”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 15 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

Jack, forever waddling far behind the curve, finally bring us the most recent unappetising internet phenomenon. Ripped wholesale from Martha Stewart, as is his wont-most all of his recipes are stolen from somewhere, which does remind me of something. Normally I focus on his child abuse and racism, but his content isn’t even original. Jack’s made an entire… well, not “career” certainly. Racket? Jack’s made an entire racket out of stealing other people’s content with no attribution, and getting mad when people call him out on it. The list of Jack’s incompetencies and undesirable traits grows far too long to list every single time, but I think his blatant content stealing deserves more of my time.

Jack describes this recipe as “rustic” which according to Martha Stewart’s advertising copy (that he hasn’t read, clearly) it might be. Jack positions himself as an authority on these things, when perhaps he should acknowledge that he was doing something popular. Despite his much-vaunted Italian heritage he’s never shown much of an interest or aptitude for Italian cuisine. Oh he knows the absolute basics, red sauce, pasta et cetera, but beyond that he’s as white bread and divorced from his heritage as is possible. And he still doesn’t even really “get” cooking, he buys not one but three packages of basil for the measly handful of leaves that end up going into the dish.

This is another sponsored episode, and I’ll get in touch with Audible in due course. As of now no company has responded to my inquiries into why they continue to sponsor Jack, which is a shame. I guess people want their products associated with domestic violence and racism. Once Jack ends up on the news for committing a violent hate crime I’m sure companies like PBR, Nomiku, Zelite and Slap Ya Mama will finally attempt to distance themselves from him.

Cooking with Jack #772: “How To Cook Eggs In Pressure Cooker”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally Uploaded: 12 April 2016

Comments: Enabled

We’re a long way from Jack refusing to buy free range eggs because they cost 20 cents more. Some might argue that Jack has grown as a person, become more educated about the world and food than he was in 2009. To that I say: Jack is incapable of learning, and only parrots what he has read or been told. There’s no real reason for him to get what are, prima facie, rather nice eggs other than the fact that they cost on dollar. He can’t even formulate a reason, he just tosses around buzzwords (no chemicals?!) because he knows based on experience that it’s the right thing to say. It’s rudimentary Pavlovian response and attempting to prop himself up as an expert in food and cooking. We never see Jack get excited about ingredients, unless of course it’s putting too much cheese or sugar onto a dish. He’s even said, repeatedly, that he doesn’t care about using fresh ingredients. His idea of using “premium” ingredients is meat that’s been in his freezer for over a year and tinned corn. I ask you, kind reader, does he genuinely care about the quality of his food and the well-being of the animals it comes from? Or is it all a ruse designed to make himself look good?

During my childhood I thought of the pressure cooker as relic of the 1970s, gone the same way as the fondue set and the key party: My not childhood saw the rise of modernist cuisine and the reintroduction of the pressure cooker as a marvel of speed and consistency.  I appreciate that a pressure cooker is probably a good way to do this, and the way Jack does it… seems to be okay? They look a little overcooked for how I like my hard boiled eggs, but honestly I can’t find fault. We’ve come to expect so little of Jack that basic competency is a high water mark and so I’ll grant him that, at least. He even explains a little of why using a pressure cooker is preferable. All things considered I suppose I can grant this video a stamp of “tolerable”.

I leave you with this: Jack’s bloated, beluga whale-like appearance and tendency towards mugging often produces hilarious images, and this one from an accidental pause during the video was too good to not share.

scalfani.jpg