Cooking with Jack #28: “Lazy Man’s Pizza and Garlic Bread”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally Uploaded: 12 July 2009

Comments: Enabled

Jack’s relationship with anything outside of his small bubble of experience is, at best, tenuous. It’s just like him to completely miss the point of an email (“I’m famous! Look at me!”) whilst at the same time straining displaying his knowledge, or lack thereof. The audience is expected to know the difference between generic supermarket loaves masquerading as unique cultural breads. Cooking show for the average Joe, indeed.

So, after picking a convenient strawman in national pizza chains to topple over, Jack offers up his substitution. And what a unworthy substitute for fresh-made pizza it is. Now, I’d never say no to a nice English muffin pizza (or baguette pizza, or a nice pizza-stuffed jaffle), but I also wouldn’t be happy if I was offered a pizza and got a wet English muffin soaked with sauce and a puddle of limp, greasy cheese. More importantly, was this a recipe anyone needed to be taught?

After the nauseating close-up of Jack’s face (which, for the love of god Jack, chewing and swallowing noises are vile), we get the fucking sauce ad lovingly copy and pasted from the end of the videos. A mighty contempt for the audience in this one.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in America, but that tub of butter is comically large. I don’t have the second stomach for butter I did when I was young, but I can’t imagine I’d find this appropriate even then. I definitely think there needs to be more garlic, though, and strong, fresh garlic at that, but I suppose not eating sawdust is just a personal preference. But again… is this a “lazy man’s” recipe? Is it not just… garlic bread?

I’ll get to the miracle blades, don’t worry.

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