Cooking with Jack #21: “PIZZA TASTE TEST”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 21 February, 2009

Comments: Disabled

The rates of hunger in developed countries is staggering, to say nothing of the entire globe. With widening income inequality, deepening poverty and many other factors it is, more than likely, going to get far worse in our time. On top of that, food waste in developed countries is at shamefully high rates. Of course, everyone lets a bit of uneaten risotto or the odd carrot go off in the fridge. That is to say the real issue is the amount of food that is just left to spoil or is thrown away needlessly. It’s a “first world problem” in the very real sense of being unaccountably link to consumption habits in developed countries.

Which is probably why watching Jack rip apart three pizzas just to complain, no intention of eating them, grates on me so badly. I’ve described Jack’s attitude as “unearned smugness” but it’s times like this when his carefully(?) crafted persona comes crashing down that really reinforce just how appropriate that is. His monstrous ego crashing against his obvious ignorance (California has no pizza culture? Seriously?) concludes with him hemming and hawing to make an inane point. To disparage the bread-making traditions of California and then try to prove that point by going to chain pizzas (and a fucking warehouse store) just perfectly encapsulates his dim, self-serving mindset.

This is kind of a proto-Jack on the Go, and the theme of him being furious anything other than a bucket of slop for pennies will be repeated over and over there. His half-hearted attempt at censorship of the pizza place with those boxes you can easily just close is the Jack we know and love: if only it was a clip of him talking about beating and choking his son, I’m sure he’d find a way to properly remove it.

Cooking with Jack #763: “Mr Scrappy – As Seen On TV”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 22 March 2016

Comments: Enabled

“Okay, so you’re probably wondering what this mess is”

-Jack Scalfani

Truer words, Jack. Truer words.

Honestly the thought of Jack getting his grubby mitts on sous vide (and in classic Jack fashion roughly ten years behind the curve) fills me with giddy glee. True, the most likely outcome is that Jack makes a long, achingly dull video where he ruins a perfectly good piece of meat and says “Wow, great flavour” at the end but I’m allowed to dream. Sous vide is a tool, and like any tool it works as well as you are able to utilise it. Which is to say, the ways in which he could potentially fuck it up are innumerable. Jack also shows us that he’s, um… done some shopping lately, I suppose? Honestly those pots of dust look just vile, and I shudder to think what kind of Mary Shelley-inspired alchemy went into keeping pieces of bacon food safe at room temperature for an indeterminate amount of time. The website makes a lot of bold claims about the specific (unregulated) buzzword nature of their products, as well as being purportedly made by Chef Brien [sic] Seay, information on whom is rather scarce. Honestly the whole operation has a certain dodginess to it, and nothing it says can be corroborated. Just like Jack to buy into yet another scam, just like his love of delicious, mass-produced food expertly seasons with only the finest of laboratory scrapings.

Honestly this sex toy prototype of a product looks like a massive bacteria trap. I’ve never owned, never seen and never known anyone who owned a “garbage disposal” but they seem like a disgusting waste of time. Is putting stuff in the bin really that difficult? Obviously this product isn’t for me because it solves a problem I don’t have (hmm, this seems like it will come up again). I mean it barely solves a problem Jack has, although perhaps his problem is that he doesn’t come into contact with enough dangerous bacteria on a day-to-day basis. Other than shoving stuff down the drain like a frightened drug smuggler in an airport toilet, it functions as a… plug? For your drain? Jeez, Jack, it really doesn’t take anything at all to impress you, does it?

I’m still dealing with family things so if updates are a tad spotty for a while, you know why! Knowledge is power, friends. Knowledge is power.

Cooking with Jack #763: “Preparing Soil For Seeds – FOOD GARDENING”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 18 March 2016

Comments enabled: Yes

A brief note of housekeeping: As I am currently dealing with immediate and difficult family circumstances updates may perhaps be spotty until it’s resolved.

This is the kind of Jack video I like the least, and it’s not necessarily something I would dislike in a different context. Other youtube programmes do it occasionally, and I am very much for the broadening of the general public’s understanding of where food comes from. Growing herbs and vegetables is also a fun DIY project, not only incredibly useful for the eager home cook, but can start one thinking about how different factors influence taste and availability where they are. If this opening paragraph hasn’t made it clear: I’ve a great affinity for gardening, though I have a very busy life and next to no space in my back yard to grow much of anything.

Jack’s friend Robert (I’m writing it down right now to prevent me from having to look it up a dozenth time) is nice, charming even compared to the bizarre line-up of personalities Jack normally deals with. Robert (there we go) has a wholesome, gentle nature that suggests he doesn’t know Jack once choked and beat his son, or that he’s called for genocide, which makes it all the more uncomfortable that Jack is using his unpaid labour to promote his worthless youtube endeavours. Like absolutely everything else in his life Jack would much rather complain that he can’t do it (for unspecified reasons) than put a modicum of work into doing something properly. This would be fine if he were to be honest and just say “Oh I’ve no interest in gardening” (or any other of the myriad of things he proclaims to be interested in. Cooking comes to mind) but over and over we get these pathetic excuses.

As Jack dabbles in the Evangelical right it doesn’t surprise me that this video misleads the viewer into thinking they can grow all their own food. Unsurprised, but angry. Subsistence farming still exists around the world in 2016, but the time and effort it takes is staggering. Far beyond what a manchild (who has for years self-identified as too lazy to even use fresh ingredients) will want to put in for a few measly veggies. The rigours involved in farming any crop, let alone a dozen or so as this video seems to imply, are extensive. Putting “FOOD GARDENING” (which is a phrase so impotent and stupid I feel ashamed having to type it out) in all-caps in the title isn’t just terribly misleading, it actively avoids what could in other circumstances actually matter to Jack’s audience.

It also appears as if Jack edited out Robert (it’s working) talking about how his heirloom seeds are non-GMO, presumably for the sake of avoiding a flame war in his comments. I’m sure Jack, who despises education in all it’s forms, has no opinion on GMO organisms beyond what others have told him. His use of whatever default title card for “To Be Continued…” his editing software comes with made me laugh out loud, too. It’s far more amateurish than his white/yellow on black and dull thud sound effect he’s used a lot. “Improvement” is a very tricky metric when it comes to a Scalfani but this is most certainly a step backwards for him.

Jack on the Go #398: “Nothing Bundt Cake – Hendersonville, TN”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 16 March 2016

Comments: enabled

Dear reader, I started this off with unreasonably high expectations. Of course that’s setting yourself up for disappointment, especially where Jack is concerned, so I have nobody but myself to blame. But I have such a weakness for puns, and I was so hoping that it might be at least tolerable, if not agreeable. Instead Jack being insensitive to dead people twice.

Now Jack has a major problem with empathy of any kind, and I understand how much of grief is formulaic, bound up in ritual and expectation. It’s difficult to expect someone to be able to understand loss when it’s so far removed from them (so far outside their “monkeysphere”, if you will). What one can reasonably expect, however, is for a stranger to not respond to a death in your family with “Oh, cool”. Jack’s ability to discern what is and isn’t socially acceptable barely functions, made far worse by how everyone around him humours him and lets him get away with it. The word we are looking for here is privilege. And if you want a real example of how little of a shit Jack gives: Jack can’t even bring himself to say nice things about her bakery, for fuck’s sake. Yes, I understand he (supposedly) has a duty to be honest about his experiences, but what was his advice? “Get a nice cake for a special occasion”? That’s a nitpick if ever there was one.

Really, what happened was that his precious masculinity was threatened. Jack has a toddler-like mentality of needing to be the centre of attention, and when those ladies decided to make a toast without him, he barged in to make himself known, get them to pay attention to him, record them, then have the gall to complain about how many women were there. He can’t formulate exactly why (because he is stupid) but any threat to his all-encompassing ego scares him. People weren’t paying attention to it, clearly it’s the fault of the women!

And to cap it all off: Jack has the absolute fucking nerve to fake-snore in front of people because they’ve chosen to devote their lives to enriching others. Some people actually value education, Jack. Jack’s anti-intellectualism represents a long-established and growing trend in mainstream American society that he (and his brother, and indeed the entire damned Scalfani clan) are complicit in. Jack doesn’t understand what it means to devote yourself to something that’s not “Fame by any means necessary”, let alone devoting it to others. And he certainly despises education and those who choose to participate in it.

I got very heated in this one, and I apologise. Such personal attacks are perhaps not constructive but they are cathartic for me.

Cooking with Jack #762: “Zelite Infinity Japanese Knives – Product Review”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 15 March 2016

Comments: enabled

Nine years.

Nine long, bitter God-forsaken years as the world burned around him.

Nine years of racist bullying, nine years of hateful misogyny, nine years of convincing others to treat cooking like a horrid chore they should be afraid of.

Nine years of building a cult of personality out of shoving as much food down his gullet as he can manage and setting himself up as a culinary expert.

And he still knows nothing.Still doesn’t have even a tentative grasp of the basics of cooking. How?

I’ll try and get this out before I fully turn into Edmond Dantès. It’s just hard to know where to even start, here. I mean for starters I actually can’t verify any of the things Jack says about the company on their website. To keep this (mercifully) brief I won’t analyse any of it, or waffle about knives, you can get that elsewhere. I try my hardest not to critique Jack’s cooking or technique, I really do. What’s worse is that his dim inkling of what the right thing might be is always infected by his stubborn refusal to not do it, or indeed to get it wrong. It’s two steps forward, ten steps back.

Watching him flail those knives about made my fingers twitch. He just has sparkles in his eyes for expensive packaging and nice advertising copy, and I suppose being thought of as important enough to be sent a free sample was a nice boost to the ol’ Scalfani ego. If I were to speculate, which of course I would never do, but supposing I was one to speculate, I would say that from the severe price reduction on these knives in online shops, the inflated follower to following ratio on the official “@ZChef_Knife” twitter account, that this product is perhaps not performing as well as it could be. Though I’m not one to speculate, it would seem as it sending knives to a middlingly popular dullard is a last-ditch attempt to spur on sales of said knives. That sounds like a very mean thing to speculate on, though, which is of course why I don’t speculate, naturally.

There’s a “Calvin and Hobbes” strip where Calvin is pretending all his toys are converging into one freak megadisaster; that’s how this made me feel. Jack, can’t we play something else?

Cooking with Jack #20 “INSTANT MARINATER – PRODUCT REVIEW”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 24 January, 2009

Comments: Enabled

Oh my Jack, we have an opening!! And I don’t know what I hate more, the childish panto mugging or the agonisingly generic cock rock that is meant to make the subject matter seem cool and rebellious but betrays it’s hoary, institutional nature. His current one isn’t any better, mind, but what this one lacks in technical skill it makes up for in compression artefacts.

Half an hour seems an awfully short time to marinate a thick piece of chicken in bottled teriyaki sauce with little in the way of acidity. But then I’ve never subscribed to the “chicken in bottled goop” school of cookery (I like making my own goop). Jack would have you believe that his show is real, raw and captures the unheard voice of the proletariat. That may be true if said proletariat is a bloodthirsty and bigoted domestic abuser, however a gram of common sense writes these product reviews for him.

On the technical side, the font for the website has changed but not in the ending! Consistency, Jack. And mind your head on those all-caps. We’ve also started titling and numbering episodes on a plain black screen like autopsy footage. And I loved “If you know what twitter is…” Oh, 2008. 

To pull back the curtain a hair, I’ve decided to compile all of Jack’s many crimes into a single page so as to not refer to them all the time. So if you, the dear reader, have a video, an image or a link to Jack’s own content where he’s racist, misogynistic or abusive to his family, please don’t hesitate to share it with me! 

Cooking with Jack #19: “The Garlic Grater – As Seen On TV”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 13 December, 2008

Comment: Enabled

Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself, but twenty-five dollars?! For a saucer?!! Why don’t you just spit on the homeless, Jack.

Granted, preparing garlic is one of the ongoing culinary spats, even if the anti-garlic press mania has died down somewhat. (I don’t, in case you’re curious). And yes, mincing garlic with a knife can be difficult if you don’t know what you’re doing. Still, 25 bucks for that piece of porcelain and some cheap, not-particularly-food-safe looking plastic, for something you can get at any Asian store for under five dollars. For a man who will complain until he’s blue in the face about paying more than sofa cushion change for anything it seems out of character. Lord knows I wouldn’t pay anywhere near that, especially not when I keep my knives handy.

and don’t even get me started on jarred garlic