Jack on the Go #400: “The Crying Wolf – East Nashville, TN”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 30 March 2016

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Ah, Jack. Always a follower, always the proverbial tabula rasa onto which can be projected even the most flighty of other people’s interests. But really, can you blame him? Always so out of place wherever he goes, a sadsack and a waste of flesh as normal human beings go about having lives?  Not just moving from food bowl to food bowl, peddling sauce whilst ankle-deep in your own broken dreams of showbiz?

Newcomer Dave seems just a little too normal and interesting to be friends with Jack. Although he already appears to have separated Jack from his money he’s not above throwing the lonely old cur a bone. For Jack’s part, given Dave’s fashionable looks, familiarity with contemporary food trends and easygoing manner I can’t help but feel Jack has him as the proverbial “mark” for a conversion to evangelical Christianity. Considering he’s been spurred recently to attempt to convert (no doubt to line the greedy pockets of those behind the Cornerstone church in Nashville) it wouldn’t surprise me. Hell, Jack blew this man off because he decided he was going to take a vacation from doing nothing with his life and Dave was still genial and easygoing. He probably knows nothing about Jack.

Kind reader, let’s pretend for a second that Jack and his bevy of swollen Christians from California found this place on Jack on the Go. I think it’s a fun exercise in context. “Nine dollars for sliders?!” moans Jack to the camera, rolling his eyes. “Seven dollars for tater tots?!? I could make that at home! They sell that at WalMart for fifty cents a bag!”. The burger looked lovely but it was certainly well done, which Jack has railed long and hard against in the past. But Jack, under-dressed for an afternoon on the sofa watching cartoons much less a a bar, is so desperate to be seen as cool and hip and young that he praises and tries his best to be interested in liquor and burgers. Shockingly he doesn’t feign an interest in live music but we all know he’s a liar about that.

More than anything, from this I feel pity for Jack. He and his life are pitiable, and he knows it, and all he wants is to feel like he’s one of the cool kids. Sorry, Jack. People who beat children deserve no such solace in this life.

Cooking with Jack #766: “Zelite Knives Update and more… – PRODUCT REVIEW”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 29 March 2016

Comments: Enabled

Jack shows off his reading skills in this and it’s… not good. Granted I’m not 100% that he has a learning disability or adult literacy issues, but this seems like a real struggle for him. At the absolute least it’s not very cohesive, sounding out one word at a time as opposed to orate full sentences. It seems doubtful he practised as he flat-out refuses to expend effort on self-improvement. However if he did… maybe go see a doctor, Jack.

It’s interesting that he should term this a “product review” as he doesn’t really review anything, he just kind of shows it to the viewer? It’s a review in the same way that bringing your favourite toy to school as a child is a review. Which I’m sure wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t bill himself as “product reviews you can trust”. Why lie to your audience, Jack? Why lie so consistently? Why lie when there’s no benefit or detriment? Why lie just to lie?

I’ve contacted both Zelite Knives and QVC about their support of a domestic violence committing monster like Jack Scalfani. Perhaps a video where he waves knives around like a maniac will convince them? If not I think it’s safe to say that both QVC and Zelite Limited both support child abuse and domestic violence. Because if they genuinely were against it, they wouldn’t support men like Jack Scalfani.

According to Jack people have apparently been requesting for him to repeat the “cut a pineapple in mid-air” trick, apparently unaware of basic physics. Whatever. The fact that people continue to support a dangerous man with nothing but utter contempt for cooking is certainly shocking, but we must learn to not expect more of these people.

And Jack? Don’t deep fry in nonstick pans. I know you don’t care particularly (or at all) about the health and safety of your family but heating nonstick like that is surely going to make you sick.

Cooking With Jack #23: ” BIG CITY SLIDER STATION – As Seen On TV”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 25 March 2009

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I’ve never understood the fascination with Billy Mays. Not because I’m above getting enjoyment other than that which is intended out of things that are terrible, I love very much, actually. And I can see the appeal of watching someone who so fully committed to greasing the gears of capitalism with viscera of their own body, it’s just never struck a chord with me. People have tried but normally I just find him… loud.

Anyway the product? Eh. I mean, who fucking cares? Jack’s clearly impressed watching it clear the low bar of “performing it’s intended function”, but isn’t this more work than a normal pan? I suppose that’s why I’m not the target audience for infomercial products, I don’t see cooking as a problem that requires a solution. There’s also another piece of evidence in my theory about Jack having a learning disability: Jack’s outright refusal to read. He attempts to turn it into a joke or a bit, attempting to shift the blame off of himself to men as a gender and finally warns the youtube comments not to chide him for it pre-emptively. I don’t think I cut this out of whole cloth, after all it wouldn’t bother me so much if it didn’t come up over and over again with Jack. He makes a big deal about things most people don’t think twice of, and devoted an entire hour-long video once to how reading is bad and inhibits learning. I am starting to truly believe it’s the root of some of his problems and development issues, though it certainly isn’t an excuse for his atrocious domestic violence history, or for his racist and misogynistic views.

Jack also tries feebly to make the show seem bigger than the tinpot production it actually is, casually mentioning a “producer” and describing how the manager for some company personally sent him a letter. With regards to the former, I don’t think it was meant as a joke. Jack is incapable of subtlety and all his jokes are extremely broad. The latter, well, I think it’s too far in the past for me to dig up but throwing a free pack of rolls Jack’s way after he incessantly harassed them seems likely. After all how would they know who he is prior to doing the video? A final thing that really annoys me is that Jack has not one, not two but three pairs of tongs of roughly the same size up on his magnetic strips. Either Jack felt he needed three pairs of tongs(?) or tongs come in three packs(?!). Either way Jack wasted money needlessly.

Cooking with Jack #765: “12 Days After Seeding – FOOD GARDENING Part 2”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 26 March 2016

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Jack is what, late 40s? Early 50s? Any younger wouldn’t surprise me but would be a mighty testament to the misuse Jack has put his body through. And in all that time he’s never seen a seedling? Never looked in his own garden, never taken a walk in the spring, never even looked at the many plants he’s tried to grow over the years? Christ. It’s to be expected, I suppose. I’ve covered much of what makes this particular series interminable in a previous post so for the sake of brevity, you’re welcome to read that.

In this video, however, Jack’s eagerness to be the centre of attention causes him to interrupt, speak over and ignore Robert. This is in a series supposedly dedicated to his friend Robert and learning how to garden. What a chore Jack must be to be around every second. And given Jack’s naming penchant I’m sure that if he had his way the poor thing would be named Jack. Still, leaving a name choice up to the internet isn’t much better, as we can attest every single time this has been done.

I don’t necessarily think this is a fruitless exercise as has been accused, but videos like this certainly don’t make observing my mission statement much easier, it’s true. Fortunately I’ve no doubt that through the archive and coming up are Jack videos that demonstrate just how terrible of a man he is to all who could be interested.

Cooking with Jack #764: “Hanging Ribs – ORION COOKER”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 25 March 2016

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This will be a short one because this is a video almost completely devoid of content. I pity anyone who genuinely watches Jack’s show for cooking tips or product reviews, really. It’s a misguided delusion but not necessarily their fault, as it’s what’s advertised. If a company marketed, say, a device that burned phenol as a means to ward off influenza, you would be forgiven for thinking the device worked as advertised. Sadly that’s a story for another time.

We open with some suggestive and uncomfortable meat slapping from Jack who seems excited, and why not: He gets to eat three entire sides of hog unabated. It’s disappointing but not at all unsurprising that Jack, neglects to in any way tell or describe how to prepare the ribs beyond using the rub. Incidentally I feel I did far too much research and know far too much about the particular rubs Jack decided to use and can say for sure it’s… well “scam” is a harsh word, but it’s a lot of hot air and precious little substance. Much like this episode and indeed the entirety of Jack’s unfortunate career. Jack and his cronies (and I suppose they don’t have the best palate, but still) find it difficult to even tell the damn things apart.

I digress. Jack spends most of this video tooling around outside with the camera pointed down in case you were curious as to what Middle America wears on their feet. Jack, having lied to his audience who might expect any kind of cooking tip or trick or even a simple recipe, now proceeds to not provide any salient information about the product. Yes, if I had the disposable income, this is what it looks like and how it works. But what sets it and it’s cooking method apart? I understand he already did a video on it, but if that contained all of the product’s information… why do another video?

I’ll tell you why: simple to gratify Jack’s ego. He feels any pile of rubbish he puts to film is immediately interesting and helpful. He and his creepiest friend (who gives me such a bad vibe I’m tempted to do some digging on his personal history) spend an afternoon cooking and eating, and that’s it. And if Jack weren’t such a terrible waste of a human being and didn’t lie to his viewers about what to expect, fail to live up to even the most modest expectations it wouldn’t be so bad. But he is, he has and he did.

Cooking with Jack #22: “SLAP CHOP – As Seen On TV”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 25 March 2009

Comments: Enabled

Consistency with these titles Jack! Jeez, you’ve never had to write a damn thing have you?

Ah, the slap chop, a piece of cheap, hard-to-clean plastic designed to trick the consumer into thinking it’s easier than a fucking knife. It has a lot of similarities with “Cooking With Jack” in that it seeks to engender contempt for cooking in the audience so that it can profit off of it. Both Jack and the Slap Chop promise the world that you’re perfect, it’s the rest of the world that’s wrong: too messy and difficult.  It seems natural that a useless man would be drawn to a useless device. Feel free to take me to task if I re-use that phrase unknowingly, as I’ve a feeling that I shall.

Jack talks about how he hates chopping veggies for thanksgiving, but is this really going to help if you need to chop more than a small handful? Are you seriously going to slap-chop an entire meal’s worth of food in such small portions? And if you’re really, genuinely opposed to chopping, is a food processor too gauche? Sure it takes up space and requires cleaning but at least it’s useful for a number of different tasks, and you can do a great of number of vegetables at one if you so choose. 

This video is a great look at two classic Jack traits early in what we can charitably call his career: The way he despises cookery, and his absurd waste tendencies. All his complaining about how hard preparing food is followed by immediately dumping it in the sink. I don’t think Jack had started to cultivate his image as a hardcore “foodie” (how I hate that word) yet, more a kind of an amalgam of various television presenters. Taking actual pleasure in food and cooking would never  come for Jack, not even in 2016, but here he’s not even pretending.

Jack on the Go #399: “Biscuit Love – Nashville, TN”

This blog is dedicated to spreading the truth about Jack Scalfani, a child abuser and racist who has run up modest celebrity on the internet through his “Cooking with Jack” youtube channel. For a long but by no means exhaustive list of what Jack has done, please see this post.

Originally uploaded: 23 March 2016

Comments: Enabled

I’ve heard a lot of insincere “God bless you” in my time, but nobody can make it sound just quite as bereft of meaning as Jack can.

I’m sorry to say that patience is not one of my virtues, particularly, which is to say I never queue for anything if I can help it. This counts double for food. I’m happy to wait, but rarely (if ever) happy to queue. I understand a lot of the time this isn’t the particular fault of the place, if anything it means they’re doing something very well indeed. Foreign countries I’ve been to (Japan in particular) seem more inclined to this than others but it doesn’t make me more inclined to queue, especially if it’s something I’ve never had before. Jack, whose hatred of actual food is only surpassed by his hatred of getting off his arse, seemed naturally predisposed to having a similar view. But, it seems his desire to chase the Zeitgeist (and further, make it about him specifically) have overcome any pretensions to laziness. He also seems unaware that queuing for food is just a thing that is done in 2016 and doesn’t appear to be tired of overexposure. It’s so telling that when the camera is on him, he gripes and moans and whinges but the second someone pays attention to him, he agrees with their opinion.

Jack and Tammy share a very tepid, uncomfortable kiss in this episode (in addition to eating in their disgusting starfish-like manner of attempting to bring their internal organs to their food). I imagine it’s possible Jack has taken frequent comments about the Milquetoast nature of their relationship to heart and is attempting to show their affection, which of course only goes to show just how lifeless their marriage is. I don’t envy Tammy. The Newcomer whose name I made out as “PJ Perez” seems affable enough, I suppose. I wish I could get in contact with him and tell him to be careful with his daughter around Jack given Jack’s history of child abuse but a cursory internet search yielded nothing. You really have to wonder about anyone who is a genuine and wholehearted Jack fan, though: Does he know? I ask myself that a lot during these videos.